Self care

I'm not a professional this is just a lot of resources that helped me while I was being abused...
this website is a work in progress. please be patient <3
the original source of this info is scarresources on a certain hellsite, but since I know it's a trigger for a lot of my friends I made this site!
the "anime girl" at the top of the carrd is Milla Maxwell, she's a nonbinary spirit who I thought could represent this carrd well! She's from Tales of Xillia.

• Traumaversaries
• Processing New Information On Old Hurts
• You Aren't Bad For Loving Your Abuser
• But How Do I Get Over It?
• Nightmares
• Panic Attacks
• Self Invalidation
• Getting Over Triggers
• 15 Warning Signs Someone's Past Trauma is Triggered
• Reifying Happiness
• 7 Cups
• 146 things to do besides self harm

• Twitter
• Location
• Tumblr
• YouTube

Why you aren't bad for loving your abuser:

For the purpose of this piece, please understand that I am using relationship to mean ‘prolonged human coexistence’ it could be an abusive friendship, an abusive parent, an abusive member of your community.

1. Abusive relationships almost always have honeymoon periods.

Which means some, maybe even a lot, of your memories of said abuser may be good memories.

And you may miss those parts of them.

Missing the ‘good’ parts of them, loving the good parts of them even, does not excuse the bad things they did to you.

It doesn’t make it better, or not as bad, since sometimes you laughed and had fun. It doesn’t change the fact that they were, or still are, abusive.

2. Abusers are, by nature, manipulative.

They’ll gaslight you- make you feel as if you’re the one who abused them. Abusers know that when they make their victims feel as if they’re the ones who did wrong- the person usually feels guilty. And in feeling guilty they usually double up on the 'If I loved you enough/behaved enough this wouldn’t bother me/you wouldn’t do this’ mantra that a lot of survivors have.

They make you feel like you deserve what they did to you. That they’re the good guys really, in the whole situation. They were punishing you so that you could learn- and thus become a better person.

All of these things are wrong though. It isn’t true. They were not the good guys. But the fact that you sometimes, you have conflicted feelings- because you began to believe them- believe that you deserved those things…. it doesn’t change the terrible reality of what abuse is.

and it doesn’t make what happened to you less significant.

3. Stockholm Syndrome/Traumatic Bonding

Traumatic bonding is “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.”

In abuse- especially in those who went through traumatic bonding or suffer from Stockholm syndrome… there is a lot of denial that the bad things are going on.

When going through these things… people cling to whatever small 'kindness’ that they can find. They often truly care for their abusers, partially in an attempt to make the bad things not as bad, or happen less.

Bonds like that can be hard to break. It is not your fault for struggling.

4. You feel like you owe(d) them.

A lot of abusive relationships start off with abusers doing really nice things. And then calling in 'debts’. This kind of goes along with the honey moon phase stuff- but not always. This may be more extreme than just a honeymoon phase.

These are people who step in and 'fix’ situations (some legitimate- some not) in order to call on it later and be like, “well, I mean.. I did do soandso for you.”

Looking back on these events, you may still feel a lot of gratitude. That doesn’t change the rest of what happened.

5. You were made to believe that it was as good as it gets.

This is usually done in a combination. First, they insult you. Try to ruin your concept of self-worth as much as possible. Remind you that no one will ever love you.

and then they step in and say that its okay because they’ll always be there. That no one will ever love you like they loved you.

It can be very hard to change these thoughts. They work very hard to make us believe them. It is not your fault that you are struggling to fix the wreckage they left.

6. You were young.

Children do not always realize that sexual touch is wrong. Especially when abusers tell them that its okay. That its their special secret. That its a prize for good behavior.

You are not at fault for having believed those things- and for occasionally slipping back into that mindset. It is not your fault that felt special as a child, and thus your memories are 'positive’.

You are not broken.

——

Having positive memories of your abuser, missing parts of what they were to you, even loving them…

does not mean you are wrong. it doesn’t make what they did okay.

You are trying to heal from a terrible thing, and no one can fault you for where you are at on your journey.

Having conflicted feelings does not make you wrong, it just makes you human.

But How Do I Get Over It?

One of the most common questions we get, and indeed the hardest one to answer is the most general one of all.

“How do I get over it?”

There are many different paths to healing but I wanted to have a post with the method I have personally found most effective. While Step One is always Step One, after that what order you do the steps is up to you. In fact, multiple steps can be done at one time, though I do advise to sticking to one Self Care and one Symptom Management at most at first.

STEP ONE: Break it down.

Recognize that healing or ‘getting over’ trauma isn’t all about one thing. SCaR supports a three pronged approached.

Processing. Self Care. Symptom Management.

At different points in the process, you’ll need more of one than the other, but in general, SCaR suggests starting with Symptom Management.

One of the reasons why it is so important to break the problem down is because if you don’t, you’ll continue to feel overwhelmed and as if there is nothing you can do to make a change.

Above all else, SCaR believes in our abilities to help ourselves. This doesn’t mean that we can’t use tools and that we can’t rely on others from time to time, but rather that SCaR believes in leaving control in the hands of the survivor. Other people cannot save us, they can help us, but they cannot save us.

STEP TWO: Symptom Management- Isolate your problem.

Open up a word document, grab a piece of paper- something. Now write down your symptoms.

Maybe you have hyper vigilance. Maybe you dissociate. Maybe you’re struggling to eat. Write down the various symptoms in your life right now.

Now pick one. maybe two tops. Don’t pick three. Don’t

STEP THREE: Symptom Management- Research.

So now you have a list of your symptoms, but more importantly you’ve selected one, maybe two of these symptoms to focus on.

Now you’re going to research. Maybe you’ll reach out to other survivors and ask how they handle dissociation. Maybe you’ll go to a library and check out a book. Maybe you’ll just google it.

But you’re going to research it and write down all the various coping mechanisms people mention- that you don’t immediately scoff at.

This doesn’t mean that if you scoff at it it wouldn’t work- but chances are you aren’t going to give it a fair shot, and there’s no point in trying it if you go in believing it isn’t going to work.

STEP FOUR: Symptom Management- Action Plan.

Now you have one, maybe two symptoms picked out that you’re going to focus on and you hopefully have a decent sized list of coping skills/mechanisms that others have tried.

You’re going to pick three.

And you’re going to give them an honest shot for at least a week. An honest shot. If you aren’t going to give the method a fair chance, don’t bother. If you honestly believe something isn’t going to work, it could be the most helpful thing in the world- but it still won’t help.

Only focus on the symptoms you’ve selected. One of the things people get overwhelmed with is they try to find one thing that helps everything- and that isn’t how it works. If you’re focusing on all your symptoms, you aren’t going to notice small changes in any individual one.

There is no one cure for most symptoms, you’re going to want to find 3-5 different coping skills that make a difference, and then layer them.

Once you’ve gone through your first week, make note of which ones helped and which ones didn’t- and then select a new group of coping skills to try. Do this until you have the 3-5 ones that do work at minimum.

Once you feel that you have a decent grasp on coping skills for a specific symptom, go back to your original list of symptoms and choose another one.

STEP FIVE: Self Care- Reactive Self Care.

Reactive Self Care is self care you do in reaction to something. So you’re distressed? What do you do? So you’re angry? What do you do? So you’re sad? What do you do?

A lot of these fall under what is called Self Soothing. They’re things that calm you down, not necessarily ones that make you happy. The idea is to help you return to a neutral state- not have you swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Much like you did with Symptom Management- you’re going to make lists. It’s probably best to group them by emotion or by location.

For instance- when I get upset at school here are things I can do:

When I get upset at home I can:

STEP SIX: Preventative Self Care

Preventative Self Care is the self care you do to prevent something bad from happening. This is your ‘I know I’m going to have a really bad week so here’s what I’m going to do.’ your 'I’m going to rest this weekend so that I’m not battling exhaustion and _________’

One good idea for preventative self care is to create an 'oh shit box’ or a 'just in case’ one. Here is where you’ll store things you can use to cope in the case of emergency.

When you know that you’re going to be having a tough time, it’s also a good idea to do as much ahead of time as possible. Things like laying out outfits and prepreparing meals can go a long way in terms of making break downs easier.

STEP SEVEN: Maintenance Self Care.

While both preventative and reactive self care have their place, one of the things that we can do to better increase our quality of life over all is maintenance self care. This is neither 'a disaster just happened what do I do’ or 'I forsee a disaster coming’ it is merely 'I am taking care of myself because I am a person and it helps me function.’

Really look into what Self Care means. There are a couple of things on the masterlist that cover various bits- but it’s important to recognize that self care is a very broad term. There is physical self care, emotional self care, spiritual self care, all of these things. It’s important that when you have the energy to invest in those things, that you do. It can be a higher upfront cost in terms of energy, but often times once you get the initial bit out of the way- the return is much greater and much more easily sustained.

STEP EIGHT: Processing- your history.

I always mention processing first but say to do it last. You’ll need the skills you’ve learned from Symptom Management and the buffer from doing self care in order to process in a healthy way.

There are different kinds of processing, but the one people tend to focus most on is just telling their story.

Talking about your trauma can help, but don’t push yourself to do it too soon. It can be just as traumatizing in the end if you’re merely forcing yourself to do it because you think that you have to. Take it one step at a time in terms of talking about.

One of the things I’ve found helps more is to start talking about how it effected you first. Recognizing the pain that trauma has caused in your life, and your right to feel that pain.

STEP NINE: Processing- General Trends/Community

Another part of processing isn’t so much about your own history, but in how your history interacts with others. It is when you reach out and talk to other survivors, or in your interactions with the media and other day to day life events.

Processing is one of those things that is a continuous event, it is something you will be doing for the rest of your life. It’s something that can be done in therapy, can be done by going to poetry events, done by doing support groups, talking with friends, doing art, through reclaiming things that once triggered you. Anything that exposes you to either the trauma, or the trauma after effects is a chance to process what happened.

Final Thoughts:

It’s important to remember that healing is an extremely personal journey. No one can tell you the exact right path for you. One of the absolute best things that you can do is to expose yourself to many different choices, many different journeys, and pick and choose the bits and pieces that seem like they’d work best for you.

Don’t shame yourself for where you think you should be. Shaming yourself accomplishes nothing. Everyone has a different pace, everyone has a different path and the best thing you can do is keep your eyes a head and do what’s best for you.

Things do get better. But it takes work, and the right resources, and a good amount of luck too. But it is possible, I promise.

Take care of yourself today, okay?

Nightmares

While most people have experienced a few nightmares in their lifetime, survivors are often plagued with them. It can seem like an impossible thing to overcome, because after all, dreams come from our unconscious minds.

However, there are some things that we can do to make things easier.

1. Visualization.

Some people have nightmares in the form of flashbacks, others based solely on the feeling of terror. A lot of these come in the form of re-occurring nightmares.

In these situations, professionals often suggestion visualization as a key. Say for instance, you have nightmares about drowning. They would ask you to imagine something that would save you from drowning- whether it be a boat, a life preserver, or even a rope coming from the sky. You’re supposed to think of this thing throughout the day, or whenever you become anxious.

It won’t immediately become a part of your dreams- but when it does, it gives you an out.

2. Rewrite the story.

This is related to the above. Especially in cases of re-occurring nightmares/flashbacks. Physically write down the story, preferably with pen/pencil on paper. and then change it.

Give yourself an alternate ending. Rewrite the nightmare so that isn’t a nightmare anymore.

For those of you who remember Harry Potter- think of it like dealing with a Boggart.

Take something terrifying and make it ridiculous.

3. Safety/grounding object.

This could be just about anything. A stuffed animal, a lover’s shirt, a stress ball. Personally, I have a spoon necklace that I take off every night and keep lying in bed next to me. If I wake up with a start, I reach over and grab it and begin my mantra.

4. Upon waking from a nightmare- mantras can help.

Personally, my mantra goes a little like this, “It is 2013. I am 20 years old. I am safe.” Getting more specific than the year probably isn’t that helpful- because a lot of people are disoriented about time when waking up. But at least the year, and my age forcibly reminds me that I am not that child anymore.

5. Nightlights/ create a safe environment.

Don’t give me that look. Shadows do not help nightmares. I have one of those portable lights that you tap on and off that I use to take showers in the dark- but it would also be pretty useful for this. You might not need to sleep with it on, but it would definitely help upon waking up. Also, they’re just generally suggested for people who have troubles getting back to sleep after waking up for anything.

If making sure that all the doors to your room are locked at night help you get to sleep easier, do it. Taking measures to make yourself feel safer are not a bad thing.

6. Deal with the underlying emotion/thought/memory beneath the nightmares.

Whether it be through EMDR, CBT, or other forms of therapy- or just… resolving the issue within yourself. Nightmares happen because of things that we’re thinking and feeling, they’re our brain trying to process and deal with emotions that … a lot of the time we aren’t dealing with during waking hours.

Panic Attacks

Some Basic Information about Panic Attacks

A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions. It can come on suddenly without warning, it can have no apparent cause, or be caused by triggers.

While the most common image of the panic attack is of someone clutching their chest and assuming they’re having a heart attack, it is important to remember that this is not the only way that a panic attack may occur. Racing thoughts, sudden senses of dread, a need to move/talk fast, are just as much panic attack related as the chest pain is.

Possible Symptoms

➡ Sense of impending danger

• Fear of loss of control or death

➡ Rapid, pounding heart rate

• Sweating

➡ Trembling or shaking

• Shortness of breath

➡ Tightness in the throat

• Chills and/or hot flashes

➡Nausea and/or cramping • Chest pain and/or headache

• Dizziness, lightheadedness Numbness and/or tingling sensation

➡ Feeling of unreality or detachment

In case of a Panic Attack

Attempting to rationalize your way out of a panic attack is often a lesson in futility. In the cases of the more sudden, chest pain sort of panic attacks- it can be helpful to remember that they usually last less than 10 minutes. A mantra of “I am having a panic attack, and it is terrifying right now, but it does not mean it will be terrifying forever” may help more than trying to rationalize away your fear.

Removing yourself from the situation is one of the best things that can be done. Changing rooms, going outside, anything to put physical space and give you room to breath can help.

If you’re someone who has panic attacks, it may be helpful during calm moments to time your breathing. On a slow even inhale and exhale- how many seconds do you draw in and out? Attempt to follow that count while panicked. One of the biggest things people run into when trying to ‘take a breath’ when they’re panicking- is causing themselves to hyperventilate and escalating the situation. Everyone has a different lung capacity, you don’t have to be completely filling your lungs, but trying to be even can help.

It’s tempting to try and reduce the shaking, it’s human instinct, but there is growing evidence that it’s probably not in our best interest. Instead, giving yourself to shake- shaking your arms/legs yourself can help discharge some of the energy coursing through your system. Things like planking, and allowing your muscles to shake in the hold- can also help.

Grounding activities are often helpful, these are things that help bring you to the present moment. Some people are able to do so on an internal level- focusing on how their body feels in the moment, how their hair feels, how their clothes feel against their skin, the tension in their muscles. Other find this alarming and have an easier time simply introducing new sensory information- things like sharp tastes (mint, lemons) or touching things with different textures. Playdoughs, fabrics, ice, incense are often used.

Things that remind one of safety can help bring some people be brought ‘back’, being wrapped in blankets, listening to familiar songs, listening to a familiar voice- especially one reminding them that what day it is, that they’re safe, can help.

Getting the thoughts out of one’s head can help if they’re experiencing racing thoughts. Writing them all down, typing them into a word document, anything to get them into the ‘world’ and out of one’s brain can help in the processing process.

Repetitive acts that require low skill (relative to the person’s skill level) but can hold focus are a favorite of many. Tetris is particularly touted, knitting, origami, folding laundry, counting backwards in specific counts. Even to pull attention, easy enough that the panic doesn’t make it impossible.

After a Panic Attack

Remember that the body has just gone through flight/fight/freeze- it has just expended a very large amount of energy. Similar to having just worked out or having spent the day doing physical labor, even if it only lasted a few minutes.

It is completely understandable that your body is going to be exhausted. Take time to self-soothe and rest. Take a shower, a nap, watch a show to give your body a break- whatever it is that works best for you.

Self Invalidation

What is it?

Self-Invalidation is the term used for the comments survivors make about their personal trauma, things like: “I didn’t go through anything bad enough to still be hurting like this.” “It’s not like I’m a real survivor.” “It’s my fault it happened anyway.” “I’m probably just making a big deal out of nothing.”

It is can also be the idea that you don’t deserve help or to reach out to others.

Where does it come from?

Inevitably on a survivor’s journey, no matter how great of a support system a survivor might have and how much they try to tune out everything else, survivors will run into some really gross messages along the way. Whether it is victim blaming, micro- aggressions, or doubt over the impact of trauma or how often it happens.

Most self-invalidation is internalized messages survivors receive from either people in their lives or the media. This ranges from those who say that certain kinds of people can’t be raped, or that they should appreciate ‘the attention’, to doubt that the trauma even occurred. Sometimes the internalization even comes from messages from those who mean well- people who tell a survivor to ‘cheer up’ and ‘get over it’and those who try to ‘paint a silver lining’ by saying what happened wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

Why does it happen?

Another piece of the puzzle is the why. There’s not a single reason why survivor’s invalidate themselves, but a big one is the idea that if you can talk yourself into believing that it wasn’t that bad- that it won’t be that bad.

If you don’t call it rape- it won’t hurt that bad. This is an idea that is supported by society. We reassure screaming children that they aren’t hurting that bad, that they’re over exaggerating. That if they just calmed down they would realize everything is fine. We tell people to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and we tell people that if they’d just look at the silver lining it’d be okay.

But the truth is these things aren’t solutions. When we minimize what happened to us- we don’t make the effects of what happened any smaller, we just ignore them. And things don’t get fixed when we ignore them. If you tell yourself that a bowl is simply cracked, not shattered- it doesn’t hold water any better.

There are other reasons that self-invalidation happens of course, but this is the big one that usually needs to be addressed. That we’re allowed to feel like the situation is beyond our control but that pretending it isn’t as bad isn’t a long term solution.

What to do about it

There are a couple of different things that survivors who are struggling with Self-invalidation can do. The important thing is to remember that there is no one way to healing, and that there’s no shame for still needing time to heal or for having invalidating thoughts. Start out by reminding yourself that having invalidating thoughts doesn’t actually mean that you are invalid. It might help to have a simple statement you say to yourself, “My trauma is valid, I am valid, It is okay to hurt.”

Some survivors find it helpful to remember where these messages came from. Instead of hearing the messages as an internal comment- they remind themselves or visualize it as coming from an outside source. They may choose to turn that outside source into an overdone characterization. By making the comment come from a cartoonish outsider instead, it makes it easier to say “No, that isn’t true and I refuse to listen to you.”

Another step is to get validation from outside sources. You may find validation in reading articles that say that what you went through was trauma and that what you’re feeling right now is normal. You may find validation talking about what happened to other survivors whether in person, over the phone, or online. You may even find validation from other people reassuring you that you’re a good person, that you aren’t broken, or that you have value – even if the person talking to you doesn’t realize what you’ve been through.

Validating statements or comforting quotes placed where you might see it often is another option. This soft nudge done often can help unwind the damage done by others. Visualizations like thinking of a stop sign every time you have a self-blaming thought, or of the thought getting swept away by a hurricane- may be useful . Sometimes hearing or seeing the words isn’t enough, there needs to be a sort of picture attached for it to really sink in. You might consider writing the invalidating thought down and burning it, ripping it up, throwing it away or otherwise discarding it.

Imagine what you would tell a friend who was struggling with these thoughts. Gently tell yourself these same things, some find it helps to do so while looking in the mirror or a picture.

When you’re in a decent place, one where you do believe yourself- it can help to write yourself a letter for the moments when you do struggle. Tell your future self that you believe them, and that what they went through was bad enough. It can help to even list out, though possibly not in detail (or make it so that the detail can only be seen if you look further. Like in white text on a word document or in a second envelope if you write a physical letter to yourself.) because it can be hard to be reminded of those things, especially when you’re already in a bad place.

It’s important to remember that these things aren’t going to be an instantaneous fix. Doing one thing will not suddenly make the invalidating thoughts go away forever, and none of them may work at first. The most simplified approach is to try and stop ruminating on the thought- acknowledge that it is there and then move on, to contradict the thought, and introduce sources of validation into your life.

15 Warning Signs Someone's Past Trauma is Triggered

Please note that there are more than just this, but these were listed from the depression project. It was only in image format, so I made a text version.

Reifying Happiness

re·i·fyˈrēəˌfī/

verb

to make (something abstract) more concrete or real.

One of the things that survivors often struggle with is incorporating positive emotions into their narrative. It’s not unusual for me to be talking to a group of survivors and it start with ‘sorry it’s been a bad day- bad week…. bad year… bad life.’ and in some ways- that is a way of coping in that sort of humor.

But there is also something to be said of the way we define ourselves by our low points.

About how hard it is in moments of sadness to recognize the good moments that did happen, or to think them relevant when things are hard.

But at the end of day, recognizing good moments? is a muscle. And the longer it is completely neglected, the harder it is to use it.

This is not to say that we must force positivity for the sake of positivity, because that’s often harmful. But instead about putting energy into reifying the happiness that does occur in our lives and strenthening our ability to notice it.

So, here are a few suggestions for that.

Futureme.org

is a website that you can use to send yourself emails in the future. What I do is when I’ve had a good day- I send myself an email to myself on that the next year- reminding me of what I did and how I was feeling.

The benefit is three-fold. Doing this forces you to consciously acknowledge when you’ve had good moments, it helps you build a vocabularly around it, and then on a future date- it reminds you of it.

This helps build the memories and strengthen the synaptic connections in your brain.

The Jar Method.

You see this one go around social media, especially near new years. Basically, take a jar and then when you do fun things- write them down and drop them into the jar. At the end of the year reread what has happened.

It’s benefits are very similar to the futureme method.

I’ve also seen people who have made origami stars and dropped them in. Sometimes writing something on the strip, sometimes using colors to mean different things.

Planner

For those of you who use planners- just take a moment to jot down at the bottom of the day if something good happened. It could just be a word or two. For those who aren’t a fan of words- it could even just be something as simple as doing a blue dot on each day that was more good than bad. That way you can look back and see where your mood has been.

Rituals of Celebration

What are some things you enjoy doing? Especially smaller acts- like showers or tea or taking a walk or candles. Maybe even watching a movie or a show.

The point is to take a small series of things that make you feel good and chain them in a sort of celebration. Something like- watching your favorite show while drinking your favorite drink.

And making a point to take this small celebration? and use it regularly. Maybe for surviving the week- maybe after you finish larger

Making a point to celebrate things? helps us incorporate happiness and positive emotions into our lives.

It’s important to remember that all of our emotions are important.

Taking time to respect and recognize your good moments, doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly healed.

Those good moments don’t mean that you’re no longer a survivor. You aren’t betraying your trauma, or losing your community. You’re learning to be a healthier human being.

It can feel like being happy is impossible in the midst of healing- or like it’s strange.

But pictures with reds and blues are still just one picture- one color does not contradict another, they come together to creat a more vibrant and complex image.